Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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