I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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