I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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