I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
