Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
