My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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