Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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