Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
