One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
