Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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