I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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