I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Plan B is the new Plan A
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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