thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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