so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
