@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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