We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
