there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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