if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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