nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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