Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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