god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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