I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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