I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
