he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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