theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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