You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
