I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
