So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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