I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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