I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
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Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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