Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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