What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
