i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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