I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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