he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
