Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
