Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
