not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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