Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
