non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
