fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
