so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
