I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
