Michael Bay diarrhea
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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