i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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