if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
