if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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