I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
