Your dad touched me again.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
