I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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