my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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