Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
