He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
