I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
