those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
