my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
