he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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