I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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