I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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