i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
