but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
