He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
