The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
