Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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